he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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