you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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