That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
