so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
