He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just gargled with NyQuil
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
