I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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