I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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