you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
