On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
