somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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