Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
