the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My first STD was from a foam party
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
