Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
