My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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