Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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