I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
