This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
