so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
