God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
NoShamevember. You game?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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