I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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