Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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