well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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