how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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