we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
