My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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