You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
