so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
