life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
