You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
