just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
