why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize