why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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