so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
