my sisters under your porch take her home
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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