well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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