I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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