I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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