I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
