I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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