it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
