I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
