ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
