remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
