I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
