The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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