I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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