Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
