Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
