dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
