don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize