And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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