You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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