My sheets look like a crime scene.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
