Don't make out with my wife yet
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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