I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
