Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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