this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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